Limits Read online

  ‘I … I … you’ve scrambled my brain!’ she threw out helplessly, and then wrapped her arms around her shaking body. Pav’s chest clenched again and he held his hands up, palms forward in a gesture of surrender.

  ‘Millie? Take a deep breath and slow down, okay? Can you come here to me and sit down again.’

  ‘N-n-no,’ she choked out, shaking her head furiously. As he watched the blood drain from her face, Pav had a sudden vision of that awful moment before she passed out in the lecture theatre, and he started to feel some real concern.

  ‘Right, if you can’t come to me, I’m going to come to you. Okay?’

  ‘Don’t come any closer,’ she shouted, her arm coming up to ward him off.

  ‘It’s okay,’ he told her, taking a few slow steps towards her, his hands held out in front of him like he was approaching an easily spooked animal. ‘Slow your breathing down, Millie, okay? Can you do that? She closed her eyes and shook her head.

  Somehow Pav knew he needed to get closer. He made it to her outstretched hand and moved forward so that it was resting on his chest. After a few beats, her hand grabbed a handful of his jumper and she pulled him forward. Pav took another chance. He wrapped his arms around her and moved her body into his with both her hands now resting on his chest and her arms pressed between them. ‘Breath with me, baby. Okay?’ She let out a puff of air, and as his chest expanded under her hands she took in more air. After another minute their breathing had slowed right down, and she was no longer shaking.

  ‘Is it safe to ask what that was about now?’ he said tentatively as he stroked her hair.

  ‘I like to do research,’ she told him nonsensically, her voice muffled as she spoke into the wool of his jumper.

  ‘Uh … okay?’ he said slowly, and waited.

  ‘I’m not a spontaneous person. I make decisions based on an extensive knowledge of the subject matter.’

  ‘Right …’

  She sighed. ‘All I know about you is that you are … I mean, you seem to …’

  He gave her a squeeze. ‘I guarantee that what you think you know about me will be bad.’

  She pulled away from him then and he let her go back a couple of inches but kept his arms around her.

  ‘I do not want to conduct a conversation whilst engaged in an inappropriate embrace.’

  Pav couldn’t help it then: he smiled. ‘Inappropriate how?’

  Millie narrowed her eyes at him and he barely held in his chuckle. ‘You shouldn’t be holding me,’ she told him.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Urgh!’ she growled out, her expression a mixture of frustration and confusion. ‘Because … because a man like you is not interested in a woman like me.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Pav asked, his smile dying and a frown creasing his forehead.

  ‘You know exactly what I’m –’

  ‘No, Millie. I have no idea what’s in your head.’

  ‘Is it like a sport to you?’ she asked him, and his head jerked at the apparent change of subject. ‘A game?’

  ‘What are you –’

  ‘Because it’s not a game to me, all right? And even if it was I would have no idea of the rules.’

  ‘Millie, I’m not playing games with you. I don’t know why y–’

  ‘You … you call me Nuclear Winter,’ she blurted out, and Pav froze. ‘I know you do. I’ve heard it. And … and that time in my office … what you said …’

  ‘Millie … I …’ Pav trailed off and scrubbed both his hands down his face as his stomach tightened at the memory of what an insensitive prick he’d been. ‘I’m sorry about that nickname. I should have never used it.’ At this juncture he did not want to get into the fact that he was the one who had actually made it up; he didn’t think that would do his case any good at all. ‘And that time in your office, I was angry,’ he went on. ‘I didn’t know –’

  ‘You didn’t know that I was a … a freak,’ she muttered. ‘You just thought I was rude. If you’d have known I was a freak you would have felt sorry for me instead, which is even worse than thinking I’m an outright bitch.’

  ‘Millie, please listen to me,’ Pav pleaded, reaching for her, but she flinched away again.

  ‘Kira!’ Millie shouted, and he shook his head slowly.

  ‘What about her?’

  ‘She’s the type of woman a man like you is interested in. For all I know, you and her …’ She trailed off and dropped her head down to rest it on his chest again.

  Pav snorted. ‘Kira and I would kill each other in the first five minutes. Is that’s what’s in your head?’

  Millie shrugged. ‘You’re both so confident, you’re both funny, social,’ she paused a moment before continuing in a barely audible whisper, ‘attractive, beautiful.’

  ‘And because of that you think we’re together? I don’t under –’

  ‘You were touching her,’ Millie mumbled as she looked up at him, and he saw her face flood with colour. ‘People don’t … well, people aren’t like that with each other unless … I just assumed …’

  ‘I mess about with Ki-Ki like I would an annoying younger sister, brother even, given the number of head-locks I’ve put her in – she’s pretty scrappy. Don’t you have any siblings?’

  Millie bit her lip, flicked her eyes up to him and away again, but he felt her body relax slightly.

  ‘No, I don’t,’ she told him. With three older sisters, life as an only child was totally alien to Pav, but he’d assumed that for Millie it made sense. ‘That still doesn’t mean that you and me … I mean, it’s ridiculous … I’m not … Look, I don’t know what’s going on but I can’t –’

  ‘So,’ he cut in, and watched Millie’s eyes flash. Finding her on switch and watching actual emotions flicker over her face was fascinating, ‘I’ll show you how a man interacts with a woman who he does not consider his little sister, okay?’ Millie shook her head, her expression morphing from anger to panic. ‘I’ll pick you up tomorrow at eight and we’ll start there.’

  ‘I can’t tomorrow,’ Millie said, perking up considerably. ‘I’m busy.’

  Pav narrowed his eyes. ‘Doing what?’

  ‘Er … I’m going out.’

  ‘On a date?’

  ‘Y-you don’t have to sound so shocked,’ she told him, her chin going up a notch. If possible he found her even more attractive. He decided to leave it for now.

  ‘We’ll see, baby,’ he said before kissing the tip of her nose and pulling away. The strategically placed ‘baby’ had the desired effect. Millie was too dazed to offer any further objections. He smiled wide at her, then sauntered to her door. ‘Tomorrow then,’ he said as he pulled it shut behind him.

  Walking back to his car in sub-zero temperatures was a ballache … and he smiled the entire way.

  Chapter 12

  I know pain when I see it

  Millie balanced her large Tupperware in one hand whilst the other unwound her huge scarf, as she made her way through the chairs to get to Gammy’s usual table near the front. It was one of the El Compulsory Accessories that Millie genuinely loved. She was glad that taking what was basically a small blanket and wrapping it around your neck like a nomadic Mongolian goat-herder was considered fashionable: it was so warm, and Millie hated being cold. She’d left her coat on the racks by the door, so she just had on a large jumper, which nearly came down to her knees, and her leggings. Her hair was loose and she wore very little make-up. This was one of the few places where Millie didn’t feel the overwhelming need to strive for perfection, so she could have a break from her up-do and relieve the constant pulling on her scalp. She smiled as she saw Gammy sitting in her wheelchair at their usual table, her tweed suit, high-necked blouse and white hair all perfectly styled as always. But Gammy was distracted. Very distracted. Millie froze, the Tupperware slipped from her grip onto the table, and her blanket scarf dropped to the floor.

  ‘Hey, Millie,’ Pav said cheerfully, pulling his chair back and skirting Gammy to
retrieve Millie’s scarf from the floor. ‘You okay? You seem a little out of it.’ Millie’s eyes widened in horror. She shot an accusing glance at Gammy, who shrugged and beamed back at her.

  ‘Stop scowling and give your Gammy a kiss, darling,’ Gammy bossed. Millie leaned down and brushed the downy, lined, beloved cheek with her lips and Gammy gave her hand a squeeze. When she straightened she could see there was a distinct twinkle in Gammy’s familiar grey eyes.

  ‘What a gentleman,’ one of Gammy’s best friends, Doris, who was sitting the other side of Gammy at the table breathed, as Pav handed Millie’s scarf back to her.

  ‘Come and sit down, Mils,’ he said to Millie, ushering her around Gammy to sit next to him at the small table as if it were perfectly normal to be in an old people’s residential home of a Friday night.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Millie hissed, nearly jumping out of her skin as he pulled her chair right next to his so that their thighs were touching, and draped his arm across the back of it (a possessive gesture totally unnecessary in a community room full of – predominantly – ladies with a collective average age of over eighty). Millie felt her stomach hollow out. Her heart was hammering in her chest. Only Pav could turn a woman on in the middle of bloody Northpark Residential Home’s games night.

  ‘You’ve kept quiet about this one, darling,’ Gammy said, now beaming at Pav. ‘He tells us you two have been close for a while. And to want to come down for Bingo – well: a man who can appreciate a good sausage roll and wants to get to know a lady’s grandmamma is a jolly good sort in my book.’

  Millie leaned forward and pinched the bridge of her nose. This was not happening. The last thing she wanted was for Pav to know that the only meaningful social interaction she had was in a goddamn old people’s home. She’d prefer that he wasn’t party to the very sad details of her narrow life. There were some subjects Millie studiously avoided, like anything to do with her family.

  ‘I love Bingo,’ Pav said smoothly, winking at Gammy, who Millie could have sworn blushed. (To still be able to blush at the age of eighty-six was a skill in itself.) ‘Millie and I had a date for this evening –’

  ‘We did not h–’ Pav reached under the table and gave Millie’s hand a firm squeeze. Her mouth shut with a snap and she lost the power of speech.

  ‘But I had an interesting chat with Don this afternoon whilst you were at ALS training, Millie,’ Pav said, giving her a quick wink before he turned back to Gammy. ‘He told me all about the bingo and yourself, Mrs Morrison, and I couldn’t have Millie missing out on this tonight.’

  ‘You can call me Gammy, dear,’ Gammy told him, leaning forward to pat his hand. ‘A friend of Millie’s is a friend of mine.’ Millie’s eyebrows went up. Gammy knew very well she didn’t have any friends.

  She scowled down at his large warm hand still resting on hers, and shifted in her seat.

  Pav’s upper body jerked forward suddenly. ‘Who’s this laddie?’ Lindy asked, withdrawing her stick from its position held aloft to poke Pav sharply in the back. Pav turned to look at the small lady. Lindy was a hundred and one years old. Her back was so stooped that even standing she was at eye level with a seated Pav. Her hair was bright red – well, at least the half that wasn’t the grey roots coming through was, and she never took off her long thick woollen tartan coat.

  ‘Hello, I’m Pavlos.’ Pav’s smile was met by a fierce scowl from Lindy.

  ‘What’s this now? Ah dinnae ken you were courting, Millie-girl?’

  ‘I’m not,’ Millie said through gritted teeth. ‘Pav’s a … I mean, Pavlos works with me … well, not with me, he works at the same hospital as me and –’

  ‘And we’re courting,’ Pav put in. Lindy started making a rather alarming wheezing noise, which Millie eventually realised was her form of laughing.

  ‘You’re all bum and parsley aren’t you boy?’ Lindy said in between her wheezes, giving Pav another poke with her stick – this time in his shoulder.

  Pav turned questioning eyes to Millie and she shook her head. Lindy’s turn of phrase was not always easy to decipher and wasn’t helped by her strong Scottish accent. She had used that particular assessment before to describe the new vicar – Gammy had told her it meant she thought he was a blowhard.

  ‘Um … yes?’ Pav answered, making Lindy wheeze all the more.

  ‘Buck up, Millie-girl,’ she said once she’d recovered herself. ‘You’re a long time deid you know, may as well have your fun with the fellas being a bonnie wee lass. ’

  ‘Lindy I don’t think –’

  ‘Och, you're a wee scunner all right.’

  ‘Er …’

  ‘Now then, where’re my shortbreads?’

  Millie pushed Pav’s hand off her thigh and stood up on shaky legs to get the lid off the massive Tupperware she’d brought, then dished out a couple to Lindy.

  ‘Keep ’em coming, lassie,’ Lindy told her as she shoved at least five into her handbag. Finally satisfied with her haul, she turned to Pav again.

  ‘A nod's as guid as a wink tae a blind horse,’ she told him. Pav gave her a bemused smile but nodded his head slowly anyway.

  ‘I’ll remember that,’ he told her solemnly, received another poke in the shoulder, and then chuckled as she moved away.

  ‘I’ve got to go and hand these around,’ Millie muttered, gathering up the large box after depositing a plate of shortbread on the table.

  ‘I’ll help,’ Pav said, moving to stand behind her – too close, as seemed to be his wont, and she felt that hollow feeling in her stomach again. ‘You baked these?’

  ‘She won the National Federation of Women’s Institutes South West division annual baking competition with her Victoria sponge,’ Gammy told him, and Millie rolled her eyes.

  ‘Come on then, Mary Berry,’ Pav said, giving her a nudge and a smile before they moved off to distribute the shortbread.

  Pav spoke to everyone. He brought the whole, normally dull and lifeless, home to life. One man should not be allowed to have that much charisma, it was almost frightening. Millie wasn’t sure that Doris Gibbs, who was well into her nineties and had had a new pacemaker fitted last month, would survive the heavy dose of Pav-charm complete with kiss that she received on her papery hand. He was a health hazard.

  ‘So,’ he said as they made their way back to the table through his many admirers. ‘Baking, huh? I wouldn’t have pegged you as the cupcake type.’

  ‘Baking is perfectly suited to me,’ Millie muttered. ‘It’s all about precision, maths really, and it’s dull.’ She paused, then added: ‘Like me,’ under her breath.

  They were next to their table now and the bingo was about to start. Still, he laid his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. She forced her eyes up to meet his.

  ‘Is that how you see yourself?’ he asked softly, pushing back over her shoulder a hank of hair that had fallen forward. She blinked but didn’t reply. His face moved closer to hers until all she could see was the dark brown, almost black colour of his eyes. She sucked in a sharp breath as his citrusy masculine scent filled her senses. It was like she was hypnotized – in the middle of a residential home of all places. ‘I don’t think you’re dull. Nothing about any of the time I’ve spent with you has been in the least bit dull.’ As if to emphasize his point his shoulder was shoved from behind by Lindy’s stick again.

  ‘Ye mak a better door than a windae,’ she shouted at him. Pav smiled, not breaking eye contact with Millie.

  ‘What does she mean?’ he whispered.

  ‘She’s … um, she’s saying that you make a better door than a window.’ Millie glanced over his shoulder at an irate Lindy. ‘She wants you to sit down so she can see the bingo caller.’ He smiled and his hand moved from her shoulder to grab hers, tugging her down in the chair next to him and keeping their fingers linked as the caller read out the first number. For a good minute Millie was transfixed by the sight of her hand in his larger one. When she finally looked up she noticed that the
caller had had to repeat the number several times. All eyes were on the two of them, and Gammy was smiling so widely she was practically bouncing in her seat. Millie could feel the blood whooshing in her ears and she felt out of control.

  But somehow, a small part of her, buried deep in the dark for so long, was working its way back to the sun, and a tiny part of that black hole of loneliness was filled.

  And she was terrified.

  *****

  ‘You really don’t have to do this.’ Millie whispered, darting a furtive look at a grumpy Lindy, who was perched on Pav’s passenger seat.

  It was safe to say that tonight had been one of the weirdest evenings Pav had experienced in a while. But that was fine. In fact, strangely, he found that the whole thing had been more than fine. He’d been annoyed when Millie had declined his dinner offer, so he’d decided to saunter down to the radiology department that day and change her mind. When he found that Millie was at Advance Life Support training, he got talking to Don and subtly coerced him into spilling the beans about where Millie spent her Friday nights.

  Some men might balk at crashing bingo night at a residential home and being the only man in attendance. But if there was one thing Pav was good at it was brazening out a potentially awkward situation. By the end of the evening he had those women eating out of his hand. He jerked forward with another poke to his shoulder and sighed – well, practically all of them eating out of his hand.

  ‘Let’s get going, laddie,’ Lindy shouted, and Pav felt yet another sharp poke in his shoulder. He was of course used to women being in his car; but they were usually under the age of a hundred, and did not in general prod him in the arm with their sticks for no apparent reason.

  ‘I … really, it’s okay,’ Millie said, wringing her hands and frowning up at Pav with huge eyes. ‘I always take her home after bingo. It’s no trouble. She’s just being stubborn.’ It turned out that Lindy was not actually a resident of the home; she just attended bingo night. Her son brought her and Millie always took her home. But tonight Lindy wanted Pav to drive her and she wasn’t taking no for an answer.